i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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