there's paper in my vomit.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
