you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
