One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
