Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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