woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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