all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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