Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
