i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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