I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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