So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When are your genitals available?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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