I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm sobbing to NWA
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
