Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
