And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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