dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
FUCK WHALES
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
