woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize