My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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