Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
