i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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