I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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