I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
