you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
