The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just cropdusted the office
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
