all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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