one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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