When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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