So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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