I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
