Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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