I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
