WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
