Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
