i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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