Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
