last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
