Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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