dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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