There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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