i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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