The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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