i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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