I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
