I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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