Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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