I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
