I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
