Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
