Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
