if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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