First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize