If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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