just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
