Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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