a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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