I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
