I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
